Lost Somewhere on the Road to Nowhere

Directions for reaching specific locations in the oil patch have a flavor all their own. The two admonitions that cause the most consternation are “follow the main traveled road” and “you can’t miss it.” The problem lies with exactly what constitutes the main traveled road and what happens if you miss it. Take for example the time Junior and I went out to do a job on a lease down in a remote part of the country.

            I was driving and Junior was navigating. Everything started out just fine. We left the black top, crossed the cattle guard onto Gulf Road #15, and headed east just as the directions indicated. About four or five miles along the way we were supposed to come to a division in the road and take the right hand fork.  Sure enough at exactly 4.3 miles we came to the fork. Except it was a five way conversion of roads instead of a simple two way fork. Using our best estimate we chose a likely looking road and continued our quest.

            Our next guidepost was also a fork in the road located just beyond a pasture containing longhorn cattle. When we got to the fork we were supposed to follow the main traveled road.  You would be amazed at the number of cattle in that country that have horns. How long those horns were became a matter of some debate between me and my trusty navigator. But we journeyed on and passed any number of turnoffs that may or may not have been our road. Eventually we passed a bunch of cows whose horns looked longer than most and shortly afterward we came to a likely looking juncture in the road. This time it appeared that we were on the right track. But upon closer examination of the route choices it became obvious that nobody had been on either of the roads since Billy the Kid rode that way in search of long horned cattle to rustle. However, one of them contained some cow tracks so we figured that must be the main traveled road and we proceeded on in the fading hope of finding our work site.

            By that time I was beginning to have my doubts. Our track was growing dimmer and dimmer, the terrain was getting rougher and rougher, and we had not seen any tank batteries, pump jacks, or other signs of the oil patch for several miles. Of course the directions didn’t help much except to say to stay on the main traveled road and we couldn’t miss it. Distance didn’t seem to be much of a question. Finally we spied a lone cowboy on horseback and decided to stop and ask for directions. It would probably have worked too, except the cowboy was of Hispanic descent and having recently arrived in this country presented somewhat of a communication problem. Junior who acted as interpreter in addition to navigator declared that the vaquero said to keep on our route and we couldn’t miss it. Actually what he said was quin sabe (who knows).

            With that piece of helpful information there was nothing to do but go forward. Finally, after we had killed the better part of the day, we came to a high point of land. From that vantage point we could see miles and miles of nothing and nothing which led us to believe that our quest was indeed in vain. However, all was not lost because from that location our radio telephone worked so we called in to headquarters. With the dispatcher on the phone we finally got the information we needed.

            He said, “I know right where you are. Keep to the main traveled road and you can’t miss it.”